Well, this is not the best start for a blog, I wanted it to be a place to ramble and just say stuff I wanted to in general. I wanted it to be positive. Buy well, in the end, a personal blog can't always be sunshine and happiness...
I had a bad start of the year. I am still upset about it and I'm just thinking about it on repeat unable to fall asleep and just upsetting myself further. I figured venting in a mostly empty place would be good to take it off my mind a bit.
Friendships are hard to maintain, really hard. They take work, they take adjustments and sacrifices. They need care and time. I might not be the best friend ever. I am lazy, I am almost always tired, I have a short temper and I'm really really particular in some ways. I am sure the reason so many of my friendships have been going to shit is partly because of my flaws and my own mistakes.
But I try. I try so hard for the people I consider my friends... I try to give them attention and care, I try to remember what they like, what they don't, what we talked about. I try to be considerate, adjust some of my behaviour so they're comfier around me. I do what I can with my limited energy and power.
But in return I just get scorn, I just get ignored, they don't care about all that. They won't adjust to me, nor care, nor try. Just... I'm giving and giving and giving and getting drained and for what?
Friendship isn't a one way give, it's a give and take. I know people have different needs and personalities, and I try to adjust to that. Heck, as I said, I am really picky and particular myself, hard to handle. But enough is enough.
I've had enough of giving for naught. I've had enough of being ignored. I've had enough of doing my best just for my efforts to be scorned.
I need to cut with what's not working. Focus on the friends who do care and try for me as well. I'm sad because I'm clingy and stubborn and I care for all my friends. But I must let go. For myself. I deserve better. I know I do.
